Watermelon Baby

Today, at the information booth, our Spanish cleaning lady, who only speaks Spanish ,and therefore, I have limited ability to communicate with her (generally I am best with conversations involving numbers up to 10). She comes up to Stusi -one of the bilingual girls I work with - and tells her that there's a woman who has been in the handicapped stall for a long time and she's using a lot of toilet paper. (Stusi told me this later, I couldn't understand the cleaning lady because no numbers were involved in the conversation).
I would say one of my greatest fears is having to help someone birth a baby in the bathroom while I'm working. I have no fantasys about the miracle of birth, until God sees fit to make me understand the beauty, I will still think of it as just a really bad menstruel period, that will cost money when it's done . . .. This event is having all the makings of my worst nightmare coming true. Stusi keeps asking the woman if she needs help and if we should call an ambulance. She keeps saying:"No" "I've had a couple of kids already" "I know what I'm doing"" I just called my husband 10 minutes ago , he's coming to get me " -none of these are "good" responses in my book. Stusi stays in the bathroom talking to the woman and our cleaning lady.
The bath room lady has been in there for a couple of hours. There has been a lot of well publicized drug activity in the park lately. Some guy died from a drug overdose, in broad day light , in front of a newspaper photographer, while I was away. We have a sign up in the mens' room (Stusi's idea) "See Something-Say Something" Some witty sword wrote on it "Stop watching me pee".
Finally, I can see that they are at an impasse. We don't actually know what the woman is doing in there, but she can't live in the handicap stall. A handicapped person might need to go to the bath room. I go get a Ranger. A poor, underpaid, overqualified Ranger to come investigate. Something about the Rangers deep voice causes the lady to stir and realize that she doesn't have to go home , but she can't stay there anymore. She gathers herself together and leaves the rest room all the while assuring us that she is okay and her husband is coming to get her.
She is a skinny little woman who doesn't look pregnant to me. However, she is cradling her trash bag of belongings like a dead baby ... .at least that's what we think. Someone, I don't recall who, calls EMTs. One of the guys I work with comes back from his Gay rally lunch break and goes in to the ladies room to look around. He comes out and says it looks like watermelon on the floor. I think this is a euphamism. I am really grossed out because I'm thinking it's blood and guts.
Our cleaning lady gathers up the trash to throw it out. Stusi tells her to put it aside , in case that's where the evedience of the dead baby is. EMT's arrive. They look for the lady. The Ranger has been following her. They inspect the trash. It's watermelon. That lady apparently was in there, for 2 hours, eating watermelon, by herself. Watermelon, in the capacious handicapped stall. No baby. Thank God !
Though, it had to be shady what she was doing. I think the watermelon was a coverup for something else. Perhaps a hip new way to process crack or heroin. The Ranger caught up to the woman, there was no dead baby in her precious bundle of trash bags. Though they did arrest one of her companions for an outstanding warrant, so it wasn't a completely erroneous accusation. SOMETHING was going on. We're just never going to know what it was.
Thank goodness it wasn't a watermelon baby.

Movies in the Present

Finishing Scotland is taking a lot longer than anticipated. So, I'm going to write my opinion of the 4 movies I have seen since my return to USA.

The Constant Gardener-Ralphe Fiennes, Rachel Weisz, Danny Huston & Bill Nighy. Based on a story by John LeCarre. I was not really hot to see this film, but my movie partner, Cathy, really wanted to see it and I was up for it. The story is well written and well executed. Though, I'm not a big fan of the "Best wife is a dead wife". Ralphe's character is a tortured introverted soul who comes alive because of his vivacious beautiful young wife. Then she dies , he has no reason to go on. He really starts to understand her after she's been murdered. Still, the best movie I 've seen all summer. Though I haven't seen nearly as many as usual.

Four Brothers-Mark Wahlberg, Andre 3000, Terrence Howard Directed by John Singleton. Again We have the "Dead Woman is the Best Woman" 4 boys who are adopted by the aforementioned dead Mom - Finnoula Finnlayson ? (oh shame on me , I can't remember the actresses name !) come home for her funeral and decide to figure out who was responsible for her murder. Dirty cops and city officials are involved. The 4 boys were basically lost causes and they were loved into adulthood by their saintly step mom. I love Mark Wahlberg, but I was a little distracted by his Boston accent. The film is set in Detroit and I think he just wasn't paying attention. Usually, he hides it pretty well.

The Cave-I fell alseep. I haven't fallen asleep at a film since I was in high school. In addition to the bad script, the film itself was dark- as in not enough light. A crack team of divers investigate a cursed cave in Romania and one by one they disappear. I don't know how they disappear. I fell asleep.

Tranporter 2- Handsom Rob, Mattheew Modine, Amber Valetta-The premise-the Transporter is on special assignment as a favor to a friend -he is chauferring a kid around for his important government dad when someone tries to kidnap the kid . Our hero promises not to let anything bad happen to the kid and he keeps his word. The Transporter is a hot looking guy (to me ) and there are lots of explosions and car chases. Probably won't get any Oscar nominations, it's just fun.
Okay, something new. There we go.

Open Mike at Spank

This is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. I can't believe I found the time to write all this stuff. I think I've still got 10 pages left to transcribe from my notebook. Oh well, here goes . . .

August 29, 2005 -5:05 AM -The Flat
Brian's last show was bittersweet. There were about 12 people , including Andy and the woman from the Montreal Comedy Festival. She introduced herself to Brian after the show. Brian was unsure whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.
I headed home to catch up on the blog. Andy and I set out to Frankenstein's for Karaoke. Wendy really wanted to go for the Karoake as did Kris. I just needed to kill some time.
Spank was doing an open mike. Though, in hindsight, it really wasn't. There was no sign up sheet and no one could give us any specifics. I ended up as half a queue with this kid who had been doing stand-up since April. We waited outside, the 2 of us, even though we both had venue passes, because that's where they told us to stand. Eventually, we wised up to just use our passes and go in and watch the show. I remember Robin Ince was there, still fairly bitter and pissed off , not even really drunk. That ginger haired gnome that I don't like-Andrew Lawrence. The sketch group from the first night that did the glass pantomime. Their name was "Trap".
At half time, I think my Chanel scarf went missing. It was a great scarf that would keep me very warm. I didn't know it was gone until the end of the night. I am very sad about the loss.
Also, I got to speak to Dean Cameron and he asked for my blog address. What am I going to do ? What am I doing ? What if he actually reads my blog ? Ah well, I'll cross that bridge if I get to it . (As of Sept. 7 , Dean Cameron HAD looked at my blog and I lived to tell the tale).
Topping and Butch were the first act in the second half. They were all leather and latex. Really quite cute and funny(and gay). They got Ed and Charlie up. ( they are the owners of the UnderBelly and Baby Belly). Ed and Charlie were wearing the same outfits as Topping and Butch only in Red Leather and they both had their boxer shorts showing. They did a little song parody. All the Underbelly staff were hooting and hollering. Then one of the staff , named Malcolm, did stand up for the first time.
Then we get to the Tag -team portion of the evening -what I thought was going to be the "Open Mike". They would let you go and if the crowd was shouting you down or they thought you had been on too long, they just yelled the next name of the next guy. I was the only woman. I wished I could have remembered more jokes. I guess I lasted a lot longer than it seemed. It was okay. I honestly don't know if anyone laughed. There were about 12 of us in total. Victor Isaacs got up and dropped trough -always a delight. Reggie Watts was behind me. Leon also got Mickey, the tech staff to get on stage and also drop trough. So, Leon and Mickey were naked on stage. I can't believe how many naked men I've seen this month ! The set closed out with Stephen Hughes who finished with an impression of Andrew Lawrence. Mr. Hughes also has no appreciation of the little bugger.
Then Leon and James thanked the staff individually and brought them up onstage and then we all sang Hey Jude. It was really quite a fitting manner to end the festival. Everyone was hugging and kissing. Victor, Lisa, Andy, Wendy, Kris and I hugged and kissed. The staff started clearing tables and chairs.
I was dancing out of the club when I realized my scarf was gone. I said the St. Anthony prayer . I hope I get it back. It will keep me warm on the plane.
Kris and I hoofed it up to the Library Bar before they stopped letting people in, because they're closing. Kris and I didn't see anybody we knew so he said he was going to go home and I said I was going to go upstairs. I told him to have a safe trip . I was upstairs on the balcony looking to see if anybody I knew was there -Duncan, Johnny, Alex or Rain. Then I saw Brian and Kris standing at the bar. I just watched them to see how long it would take them to notice me. It was a long time.
Andrew came in from the Shaken and Stirred show. He said the Fringe had been a really great experience for him because I was here to participate. I'm sure he meant it , but I couldn't help feeling very unmoved by his expression. Andrew headed on down into the crowd when I noticed Kris heading for the stairs to come up on the balcony. So I left ! Ah ha ha ha ha ha !
I met Wendy , Liam, Andy and Lisa coming in , on my way out. I leant them my Library Pass and headed out through the Meadows.
It is now 6 AM and Andy has just left for the airport.

Finishing the End

I have been home alomost a week now. This is the first chance I have had to finish the blog. I will try to finish up Scotland and perhaps get on to more current events. Forethwith:

August 28, 2005-9:20PM- The Flat

The wind is howling outside. Sounds like a Nor'easter. It's been cool here and rainy. Kris called and woke me up at 1:30 PM -Thank Goodness !!! Then Lisa called and said Victor could get us into the Nigerian Spam Scam Scam, if we got to the Gilded Baloon by 3:30. I got there early and had today's dose of curry chips. I get some satisfaction that the guys at the Gora Pakora truck recognize me and know what I'm going to order.
Lisa found Victor upstairs, and Dean was there. We were all sort of chatting and
Dean expressed the concern that he "Looked small" ( he used a different word) when he did the naked promo the other night. I was quick to reassure him that he looked fine. Even better than the Naked Show and then I confessed my crush on him. He said he didn't believe me and then I told him to check my blog. Can you imagine ? Dean Cameron checking my blog ? Ah .. well . . . ..any way . .. .
Dean Cameron wrote the Nigerian Spam Scam Scam. I thought Paul Provenza had written it - but he did direct it. It's a true account of Dean's correspondence with one of these computer scams . He strung them along for 11 months. Dean plays himself and Victor Isaacs plays all the Nigerian characters. Leon Fleury had a part as a rival Nigerian scammer. All in all a very intersting subject -well written and well executed. (As an aside, I was telling my best friend Margaret and her boyfriend about the show and they both knew the story well and were quoting from the website like it was Monty Python. I was impressed that they knew the story so well. If it hasn't been covered in Entertainment Weekly, Vanity Fair or Oprah , I ain't going to know about it).
At the end of the show, Dean and Victor collect stuff for the DHL box that Dean will eventually send to the scammers. I donated a cough drop and I gave one to Dean as well. Ooooo! We ate together !!!!
I headed off to the Tesco's to get McVittie's digestive crackers as a departing gift for the box office staff and Sylvia and Lou our Technicians. Not a particularly glamorous gift but something I would appreciate recieving. However, turns out I didn't have my wallet. I called Brian to check that it was at home, it was, so I trekked back to the flat. Then headed back out to the Tesco's and on the Baby Bellly to witness Brian's last show. All the while wearing my now scruffy and smelly pink fleece hoodie because that's all I have to keep me warm.

Grinding The Stone

September 2, 2005-8:25 AM -Home
I'm back to the old grind stone. I haven't had a chance to finish the Scotland blog. I haven't forgotten about it, I've just had some computer problems and I had some social events to attend. I should get to it this Sunday, since I'm not on the schedule at the Common. I Still need to unpack.
I met up with Brian at the Great and Secret show last night to exchange luggage extras. I took his electrical converter and he took my make-up bag. He got the lighter deal (just in case some of you were thinking it was the other way around !)
So, check back Monday and I should have caught up. I apologize for the delay. I have to get ready for work now.