Sucks Getting Old

So, I am a person of a certain age. I could be in better physical shape. I'm going to have to do better at getting into better physical shape. Time is running out and the idea of getting old is absurd to me. The idea of not being able to move and do what I want is difficult for me to comprehend . Intellectually, I understand it's coming for me. Internally, I am not ready to give up. If you have ridden with me on a Boston train, you know I will not go gently into that good night. I don't mind the dark but you're going to need a bulldozer to push me along . . . .. . .This morning I went to see a specialist. I have a "thing" on the left side of my head. It expands and contracts throughout the day . If you don't know me, you won't notice it . If you do , you are eventually going to say "what's up with the side of your head ? ". I first noticed it in October of 2010. I had a regular appointment with my doctor, asked him about and he figured it had something to do with recent dental work. 6 months later, I have a bad root canal, see an oral surgeon , she examined me "I don't know what it is , but it isn't in the mouth and has nothing to do with your teeth. You should see your doctor. He can call me " she said. I make an appointment with my doctor and my insurance runs out before I can get in to see my doctor.4 months later my insurance is reinstated. And 2 months ago I made an appointment to see my doctor 2 weeks ago. He referred me to a specialist. This is who I went to see today. . . . . .He manipulates my face, he shines a light in my ears and looks up my nose and then he threads a light up my nose and down into the back of my throat. I am coughing and trying not to gag, but I do. The poor doctor , I coughed in his face, unintentionally, but , still, it's an unattractive interchange when someone coughs in your face. He asks me , at least 3 times, if I notice if it gets bigger when I eat. Nope, I got no idea. It's smaller in the morning and then gets bigger throughout the day.He "milks" a salivary gland. It works. That is a good sign. He thinks it is an obstruction in one of the ducts. He orders an MRI for me and suggests I try occasionally squirting lemon into my mouth. It will make the gland convulse and possibly dislodge whatever it is. He tells me to call the office 3 days after the MRI. He is a nice doctor. I say good bye and head to the receptionist to schedule the MRI . . .not so fast . . . my insurance requires that all special tests get reviewed before they will okay the test. So, no , I cannot schedule an appointment today for any time in the future. They may or may not approve this test. I may or may not have anything wrong. Since there is no pain, there is a possibility that it could be something serious. The doctor is pretty confident that it is an obstruction. I am hoping he is correct. . . . . . . . Today, I bought baby aspirin. My doctor told me to start taking one every day. Yup. . . . . . . . I went to work , got stuff done, bought groceries, arrive home and get my mail. Hmmmm, a letter from my doctor . . .what test results could these be ? It's a form letter , results of my mammogram and what is checked off ? "Probably benign" is checked off "Recommended repeat mammogram -12 months " . . ."Probably benign" . .. . that "probably" is a shitty way to describe test results . They are basically saying that they saw something but they're just gonna let this one ride for a while. Yeah , it's "probably " okay . That's what getting old is , you have to live with all these vagaries. Technically, we are all "Pre-cancerous" . . .no, no one used the "c" word on me , but that's what I'm thinking. I can't freak out, I am not freaking out , maybe I am a bit whiney . What happened to the good old days when they checked you out , knew immediately what it was , you take the medicine, don't do that thing for a couple of weeks, stay off that foot, you're back to normal in a couple of days,weeks,months. Yes, I am referring to people of usual good health which I have been pretty blessed with . I am not talking about people with serious or chronic health problems. I am referring to myself and , in the context of this blog, I am the universal everyman. I am referring to my life. No disrespect intended for anyone else. . . . . .then, to top off my slide into the hole in the ground, I went to see a Rod Stewart Impersonator show tonight. It was technically Rod Stewart and friends.Rod Stewart, Stevie Wonder (a white guy in black face. I know . . .FANTASTIC !), Elton John , Billy Joel and Michael Jackson. Women were rushing the stage to touch "Rod Stewart" and have their picture taken with him. They were screaming his name. We were all singing along . It went by so fast ! It was a great show ! It was a sea of white haired & bald heads . OLD people . I knew the words. I remembered all the songs . I am old. . . . . .I am falling apart and my knowledge base is shifting to irrelevant . . . . I am fine . . . .seriously, it's only going got get worse . . .

And This Day is Almost Done

I thought I was going to be late for work , I ended up arriving on time. I made my lunch and it was good. We were very busy today. I was very tired and I think the little things really started to bother me . I am home now, had a walk, I got laundry in the wash . Did some satisfying puttering. I have clean sheets on the bed. It 's not too hot. I am comfortable , I am fed, I have nothing to complain about. I could do some more power puttering but I think I am going to do some accelerated magazine chewing . I hope to accomplish more tomorrow. G'night.

The Oppression of Paper . . .

I have some thoughts tonight about the papers I gather . I gots a lot of paper . . . -Tonight, after I got home , I decided to take a stab at the pile of papers I have set aside to look at later. The pile consists mostly of Magazines, subscription renewal notices, charity donation requests for my 2 years dead Mother, and various articles that I pull out of the aforementioned magazines. A lot of times , I pick up the mail, sort my brother's and mine and then bring my pile to my room . I pick out the bills and leave the rest to deal with the in the distant "later". "Later" can take a long time to arrive . I am not too rushed in creating "later". "Later" may never come. I would much rather go out and have a good time than rush home to take care of my junky mail. I am pretty good at ignoring things . .. -When I was a kid, I loved the idea of having my very own subscription to a magazine. I think my first subscription was to Young Miss. Later , to Seventeen. As I matured , I had a subscription to People,Glamour & Cosmopolitan. Oh the the untold damage Cosmopolitan did to me in developing certain expectations about relationships. Both Glamour & Cosmo always made me feel like , no matter what , it was my fault if things went wrong in my relationships . I eventually realized , I am not that powerful and sometimes things are not meant to be. That being said, I loved getting those magazines in the mail. It was such a treat to come home and have a surprise waiting for me !!!! . . . okay , well, I knew it was coming , so it wasn't exactly a surprise. Still , I loved looking at the pages of those things. I dreamed of fashion and beauty and wearing make-up and nice clothes and shoes. Loved it ! -When I was a kid, they had some sort of program where you could order books at school . There were all kinds of topics covered. I loved ordering those books and I loved getting those books. Mum wasn't too excited about paying for them , but I treasured those books. On the day I received them , I would stop whatever I was doing and start reading them . Some of my favorite summer memories for me are me listening to the radio (AM) and reading for hours at a time . I'd "waste" beautiful summer days inside reading. That is still my favorite way to spend a vacation. -Don't ever donate to a charity, ever, . .. ever . . .If you do, don't give them your real name or let them know where you live . And , especially, don't donate to any catholic charities. Those suckers share their mailing lists with each other like nobody's business. My Mother's been dead for almost 2 years and she's still getting solicited for money 3 times a week. It's really a form of abuse ! I am still finding unopened envelopes from when Mum was alive. She didn't know what to do with the mail and couldn't throw away the pleas from Indian reservation orphans and legless painters . . . the pain, the pain . . she was terrified of chain letters. Not me, I break 'em without hesitation . I'm still alive, you don't speak for God or the Blessed Mother, don't threaten me with your imaginary curses ! Your pyramid schemes of dollars and t-shirts . I don 't care ! -I keep the junk mail to actually go through it in case it's not actually junk mail. I received an envelope recently that looked like a subscription renewal form, I opened it , it was a check. -Publishers' Clearinghouse -Leave me alone !!!! I am not going to win ! I know it, you just refuse to believe that I know it . I don't have to the time to go through every piece of paper in your envelope. Scratch this , attach it there , wait three days, mail it , stick this thing there , put it in the pink envelope, circle your initials. I'm not playing that. However, I am terrified that some information will get out into the trash which will be fished out by some dumpster diver and then used to create another me .. . . just leave me alone -I cut my name & address from every piece of mail. It's slightly easier than putting it through the shredder . Labor intensive, but I will continue in this manner until I come up with an acceptable alternative. I chop it into tiny little pieces like I am getting ready to decoupage something. -Yes, this is a little crazy and a lot messy, -I still love getting stuff in the mail. I love my magazines. I love reading them . I love having something new to read all the time. I also , flip through magazines quicker now. I just read what is interesting then I recycle them , either to friends or out in the recycling trash. -This was on my mind tonight. Perhaps not the most scholarly missive you will read , however, I hope it doesn't sound too crazy . . . .

It's Been Awhile

SO, I haven't been very creative these last couple of years. I've really just been concentrating on working and trying to keep up with the bills. I am also trying to pay off a couple of debts. I keep chipping away and I have been making some headway. It's sad to be at this age and still sweating a $75.00 electricity bill. However, the bill is getting paid. I am able to buy groceries & gas for the car, The height of luxury, for me, is to be able to buy groceries AND gas and not have to worry about it. Also, in these almost 2 years since Mum died, I have put on 25 or so pounds. I had a physical recently, and I am going to have to figure out how to LOSE those 25 odd pounds. I am teetering on the precipice of my decline. I am apparently the result of genetic leanings on both sides, my dear old dad's side moreso than Mum's. Though I feel awfully young to be dealing with this, I am , in reality , past my middle years . I have to start preparing NOW for the little old cat lady I aspire to become. Otherwise , I am going to end up in a state run facility alone and quoting passages from long forgotten skits of yore. Though I am a busy bee, it feels like I get nothing done. I feel so wonderful to do dishes & laundry . I practically faint from joy taking the trash out. I glory in the mundane these days. I would love to be able to spend time at home and just care for my home . Wash the floor as part of a routine schedule and not because of the pressure of my brother's impending visit. Oh to be an old-fashioned wifey , home all day to cook , clean and care for the kids. Making a home for my family. A faithful, sober, employed husband my reward for my efforts. True, it's an illusion, a dream , never existed. I would have been more likely to have dinner with a unicorn wearing a diamond studded g-string as to have fulfilled this weird concept of "normal". I am simply fatigued by the effort to keep up . Not with the mythical Joneses but with myself. My friend posts about all these shows that she is attending with mutual friends and I wish I had the energy to want to go. I know I'm missing something , but the idea of getting a good night's sleep far out weighs my imagined peer- pressure. I am spurred to resume this blog because 2 of my friends have resurrected theirs. My friend Dee-Rob, a great writer and great friend and my friend Kris. My friend Kris decided that is was high time to change his life. He quit his job and is blogging about his new experiences. I am inspired by what he is sharing. He made a bold move a month ago and he is sharing his bounty, via blogging, with the rest of us. I am not as good a writer as either Kris or Dee-Rob, but I feel a kindred spirit of them both . No, I don't have anything especially interesting to share, but I will try to exercise my atrophed writing muscles. I am not too worried, you are probably pretty busy . If you don't care for my writing , you don't have to read it . g'night