A Matter of Perception

I suck.
I suckety-suck.
You hear that sound ?
That's me sucking.
Bad.
Atmospheric sucking emanating from my pitiful existance.
No. . . . I don't really believe that about myself. I possess many admirable qualities. I bathe daily. I pay my bills on time . I laugh at your jokes.
But yesterday, I had an audition for a small film. I did everything that was possible for me to do. I printed and memorized the sides, I printed my resume on the back of my headshot . I selected appropriate clothing for the character. I even went and bought a hair net because I was auditioning for the role of a caferteria worker. I showed up on time. I did everything within my power to prepare ahead of time for this audition- to present myself as professionally as possible.
No, it's not a big block buster but it would be a speaking role in a nice little film with a couple of name stars. Any movie role is a good movie role in my book.
SO , as the woman from the casting company escorted me into the audition room, I find out I'm actually auditioning for the director & producer. Usually, they just videotape you .I usually do pretty good in person. I wish I had known a little sooner than 10 steps from the door.Also, the woman escorting me kept hammering me with " Now remember! No Boston accent . You remember I told you that ? No Boston accent ! And , "Natural"! I know you do stand-up and you've done a lot of improv but they're looking for natural. Don't overact ! Got it ? Okay" and she swings the door open.
Yes. I am a little rattled and I have lost complete control over my thoughts. My soul is leaving my body and I can only hope I remember the lines I've been working on all day. I get a little confused and don't know who's hand to shake first. So, it's kind of three hands shaking at once and then I shake their hands individually. Did I mention I'm wearing a hairnet? I slate my name. They say action and I start the scene. I do the whole scene but it's turns out I have memorized the name "Dan" instead of the characters name "Don". They think it's funny and we have a laugh, usually a good sign.We do it 2 more times. They give me direction. I think I've incorporated their instructions. There's really nothing I can do because I am not in my body and my mind is going a 100 miles an hour and the only way I can calm down is to go to sleep.But you have to be in your body to go to sleep and I am no where near it.
They thank me for coming in. I have no idea what the casting lady thinks of me.I have no idea how I did and I have no idea how I lost control of what I thought was going on . I think I looked calm enough. I hope the laugh caused by my flub gets me a call back.
No, it's not the end of the world if I don't get a call back. I am greatful that they even thought to call me in to audition. I think I could do that character really well. It's when I was alone in the car, on the way to the grocery store, that I was overwhelmed by my suckitude. I don't suck. In the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter. I felt fine today. I didn't really think about it at all , until I thought about blogging something. Then the sucking just washed over me again.
I'm fine. I just wish I could have stayed present. Oh well, another lesson learned. I think. . . .