Licensed and Feeling Fat

SO , I had a good day today . My outfit was nicely composed and my hair looked great. There must have been something about me today because all the guys at work kept joking with me . Frankly, when I got home, I DID look terrific. But before I got home. . .
I had some errands to do. My electronic deposit kicked in so, I didn't have join the French underground to get my check delivered to me, the money was in my account when I woke up this morning ! Quel Surprise ! Anyhow. . . I had planned on picking some things up at Target and then continuing on to DeMoulas-using my atm to make the purchases. When I got to the register at Target, I didn't have my atm OR my drivers license. Where the fuck were they ? Oh, I had put them in a more manageable bag the other night when I took my friend out for his birthday, I thought I had put everything back in my wallet. I immediately got paranoid that I would get pulled over tonight on the way home. That means I've been driving all over the place without my license since Wed. I can't believe I hadn't noticed their absense before tonight. Anyway, I had just enough to get my groceries and head home. Turns out, when I had put the cash back in my wallet , for some reason, I moved the wallet and ATM to another pocket in the evening bag. I 'm gas lighting myself.
SO, I get home and decide that I should try on the dresses I might wear to the Oscar party. The dress my friend Mary Martha lent me fits , it would be very comfortable but it's a little big. The other dress I have is a shiny copper floor length snake print tank, very simple. I looked a bit "lumpy" so, I put on a "Foundation garment" underneath-I damn near strangled myself. Because it is a binding material designed to hold that which longs to breath free in a vise-like hold. It got all bunched up around my neck and I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to get it unbunched before I lost consiousness. It was occluding the circulation in the veins supplying blood to the carotid artery.
I looked like I was wearing a metal ducting clamp around my midrift and where the torso meets the top of the legs. I asked my brother what he thought- he just cast his eyes towards the floor and slowly shook his head from side to side. I took that as a " "I wouldn't want to be seen in public with you"- okay, try something else. I removed the underwear and pantyhose. Better, not perfect. I don't look as lumpy but I do have some curves where I would like to have more flattish planes. I may think of something else. I have plenty of time-it's not until Sunday.